I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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