the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
