I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
