i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
