Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
