There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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