Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
