oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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