just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
