But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
