Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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