and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
