we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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