she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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