I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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