fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
