The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
