fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
