And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
