Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize