Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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