his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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