I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
