we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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