cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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