I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drake has all the answers
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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