every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
