Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
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drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
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I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!