We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.