its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
