I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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