the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
