3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
