I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
