the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
