Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
