FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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