I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I FOUND THE LEGS
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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