I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
