I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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