I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
