i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
