So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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