Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mom said you looked used
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
