Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
