It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
