Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
