There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
