Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
