member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
