idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
