I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
