i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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