Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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