just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
