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drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
